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Newsflash: It’s not possible to charge your worth!

What did she just say?!

Come again Sab!!

Before you jump on my neck, hear me out!!

YOU are PRICELESS!!

The narrative that we should be charging our worth is, imho, misguided and tends to appeal to those who do not actually know their worth and/or have low self-esteem. I say this from experience, not judgment!!

Who knew that sooo many of my deeper lessons would come through me starting my own business? I have had so many lessons in my 33 years, with the same message; different scenarios.

Everything is layered and the self-worth lesson has been one of the hardest for a multitude of reasons.

When you struggle with self-worth, yet think you know what it is, you will be shown (sometimes quite painfully) that you don’t and now is the time to know what it is for real, for real.

It really can feel like wtf, haven’t we been here before? But I believe there’ll be that one lesson that makes you go ok, ok, I get it now!

And even if there are further reminders along the way (of course we are humans so sometimes we default), I would like to think the experience will be less painful. At least not so painful that it’s akin to recovering from a major surgery!

We are priceless beings. We cannot charge our worth. That narrative is a trap and dangerous for our overall wellbeing. I know I’m not the only one that has learned this lesson the hard way!

However, you most definitely can charge for the value you bring to others. You have full permission to set that price, and as long as you are delivering the service to match, you will have more than happy and returning clients/customers.

5 questions that may help when price setting:

  1. What value do I bring?
  2. What does the service/product do for them? How will it enrich their lives?
  3. What is it like to work with me? What experience should they expect?
  4. Do I have testimonials/case studies to back up what I’m saying? If not, it’s time to get some.
  5. What transformation can they expect? Note: everybody’s reason for working with you will differ. So expect the end results to vary. As long as there is a transformation, whether it’s a step closer or the whole staircase.

I found that these questions helped me step away from a struggle I didn’t need to be in and detach from my business in a healthy way.

KNOW your worth and charge for the value you bring, because you are PRICELESS!

Sending you loving vibes xx

Becoming visible

So, lately I have become more visible on my personal Facebook page.

Presumably, showing up around the same time as the racism that followed after the England game, was a catalyst for what transpired on this Tuesday.

An ex-school friend reached out to let me know that she’d deleted me off Facebook because I had failed to support her. To say I was taken aback was an understatement!

She had voiced her opinion at the height of the BLM debates and she was challenged.

Huh?! Wait, how does this involve me again?

I was not a party to the debates, I was not called into the debates, and I did not involve myself.

What I did do was witness it, remove my attention (you can stop following someone and still remain connected as friends), and kept it moving. So how I was being sent accusations of being racist (make it make sense) alongside threats to report me to the police, was beyond me!

Long story short, I refused to react and calmly let her know that her decision was respected. Even though I was unsure as to why she’d feel the need to speak to me the way she did AND at the time that she chose (the message was sent before 6am) I would happily respect her decision.

Clearly the algorithm was working in my favour and I was now showing up in her feed. I’m guessing (from the convo that I did entertain) that she saw me appear in my newsfeed and could see that although we were friends I was no longer following her? I didn’t even ask, it wasn’t really relevant to me.

What did amuse me though was I had been sharing light-hearted posts during the year we didn’t directly speak. Maybe she didn’t see those…or maybe the rawness of my posts were triggering and she was reminded of my silence? Suffice to say I don’t really care. That may seem harsh but check out why that is below.

After taking some time to mull it over, i.e. asking for an innerstanding of the meaning of this and allowing it to unfold, I realised that this was somebody who was in quite a sensitive place.

In fact, I even sensed that she was in some pain too. And doing what many of us tend to do (me included) when our emotions and feelings get overwhelming: projecting!

Here’s what I’ve learned about being on the receiving end of a projection; we can accept the invitation or we can reject it and return to sender.

I chose to send the projection right back to sender because…

…entitlement is a BEAST! The privileged expectation that I would just respond to her was incredible, especially given why she was in her feels in the first place.

For me, I’m entitled to protect my peace. And I chose to do just that. I’m only responsible for what I choose to entertain, and I chose not to fully entertain this.

I could’ve chosen to be a teacher, but honestly, fuck that!

Ah but Sab, have compassion, we are all learning…yes we are, however and really deep this. This wasn’t somebody who was open to learning. As far as I’m concerned I did have compassion for her. I could see where she was coming from. But from a whole year had passed where people had tried to school her and she was still in the same place, I refused to join the circus!

The entitlement, the emotional manipulation that followed etc., nope! Someone else can take up that lesson. I respectfully declined!

I did take it as learning moment for myself though. It was the perfect opportunity to implement what I’d been learning.

Nobody is entitled to ANYTHING from you! It’s all a choice.

I chose compassion. For myself and her. From I kept my peace, didn’t cuss her out and tell her where to go, get defensive and miss what I was being shown, I was choosing me.

My compassion for her, was not going to be at my own expense. I did initially find myself typing one lengthy ass reply, and thankfully my soul stepped in like woah, woah, woah! We’re not about to replay this pattern. You know that one where you dismiss your own feelings to make someone else feel comfortable and better…Nope not today!

I know that this moment was one for my internal book. Despite how the other person is presenting can you see beyond it and choose how you respond?

I’m learning that our needs and feelings need to be a priority too. If we’re always catering to others before ourselves and putting their best interests before our own, then what?

How’s that serving me, or them? Especially when they approach with entitlement rather than a desire to have a respectful dialogue to gain an innerstanding of both sides!

Becoming visible is showing up and showing out, yet I’m ready for the lessons that come with it. This life journey is one of healing all the things.

Remember you are a powerful being who has the free will to choose! What are you choosing to entertain?

Die slowly or choose to live? 🤔

In 2014 I decided that I NEEDED to do life on my terms…and then I was attacked by a multitude of thoughts, patterns & beliefs (of course totally unaware at the time) that made me choose differently.

See, I was (and will admit sometimes still can be) co-dependent.

Co-dependency is nothing to be ashamed of as it’s most likely a coping mechanism developed from childhood. Nevertheless, it needs to be addressed as it isn’t the healthiest way to live ❤️

I had gone from being under my mum’s roof caring for my siblings, to living with my boyfriend and becoming a mum, all whilst still a teen.

As I approached the end of my first year of motherhood I CRAVED the freedom to just be ME. Not that I knew who ‘me’ was but I know I had a yearning.

Yet, “All” I knew was how to be responsible for others; not for myself mind, just others! So, although I craved freedom, (and it called me SEVERAL times), and I most definitely answered it once or twice, ultimately, I shut it down.

I didn’t even know what freedom looked like or how to “attain it”.

Not to mention, how “wrong” it FELT.

For as long as I could remember I had responsibilities and obligations. Freedom wasn’t for someone like me.

Then 2012 came and in the space of 3 months: I had my second son, PND, my cousin suddenly passed, and my 7 year relationship broke down.

I literally started to crack under the pressure of it all!

A few months later, at a health visit for my then 9 month old son, it was suggested that I seek counselling. I jumped at the chance because back then I viewed counselling as a chance to get fixed so I could repair my relationship. Moreover, I needed someone to come in and fix this disaster that was my life!

All I wanted was to repair the relationship and feel “normal” again. The opportunity presented (to grow/gain freedom) wasn’t seen as such and I recall being selective about what I divulged to my counsellor.

I remember just feeling total and utter devastation. Weight had plummeted and I was just existing.

Yet, I wasn’t ready to face the actual truth that would set me on my path of freedom.

Despite not really facing the total reality of my truth, counselling did help. It was the first time I had been asked thought-provoking questions of any depth.

But I’ll let you in on what was a big secret for me…I was only going through the motions to “get my man back”.

I now recognise how manipulative this was and how my shadows were in full play!

Fast forward to 2014 and my perspective had somewhat shifted. What if I did just need to be by myself in order to be me? Who was I? What did I like? What didn’t I like? What if I did need to take some time to grow, by myself?

Was this the light at the end of the tunnel?

After about a year of being on/off I decided I wanted to co-parent and be a single-woman. I decided to be brave and voice what I had been mulling over to my partner. The result of this convo would later have me looking back in absolute rage!

Suffice to say he wasn’t on board and I didn’t choose me!

The relationship (although we produced 3 beautiful boys!) was pretty toxic for various reasons.

For a long time I thought I was mad at him, when in actual fact I was just mad at myself! I sure did project my rage onto him though.

You see, I’d rejected myself one too many times over the years and the pain of this was always festering just beneath the surface, ready to erupt!

Learning to forgive myself has been a journey in itself; a layered one at that. Once we are aware of all the times we made a decision rooted in fear, we can choose to have compassion and forgive ourselves.

I had to forgive myself for so many things!

For being afraid of the truth.

For putting others needs before my own.

For denying myself freedom.

For rejecting myself.

For not being brave enough to fly solo.

For making life force my hand!

I mean what did it even mean to fly solo, be free, put myself first, accept myself, or be brutally honest with myself?

The reality was, for as long as I had someone else to cast the blame onto, I didn’t have to take responsibility for who I was, how I was being, and where I was.

I needed to take responsibility and be accountable because I was literally dying but I basically chose to “die” slowly instead.

I know that sounds super dramatic but it’s the best way to help you visualise what it looks like when you know what is best for you but choose the complete opposite anyway.

The unknown is scary. And because of this, we allow fear to stay in the driver’s seat, keeping us stuck in unhealthy, destructive paradigms. I think it’s important to point out that this is mostly all going on unconsciously.

However, I learned that the beauty in getting to know yourself is that you gain a core innerstanding for how you work and why you work that way, giving you the chance to choose differently.

The biggest lesson here is the importance of choosing self.

Choose to love yourself and grow no matter how anyone else feels about it.

You will never regret choosing you.

But I’m ALWAYS right!

It’s so easy to only ever see yourself as the good person in a situation!

I’ve been guilty of this many a time and when I caught it I was floored! Because let’s be honest, we are not perfect. Sometimes we royally f&*k up!!

We are the villain in someone’s story and if both of us feel wronged, then to some degree, it is highly likely that we are both at fault.

So then, why is it that we go through periods where we are always the wronged party that did nothing wrong?

On reflection, I realised it was because it was too painful for me to be the person doing the “wronging”. I know I’m a lovely, kind, and caring person. So if I’m anything but that…well…it must be you!

Haha…Yeh, Computer says…Incorrect!

I am a human. I have traumas (some I am aware of and some I am yet to gain awareness of). So why would I think I could never be incorrect just because I am a good person? And that it could only ever be the other person, even if they too, are a good person?

The answer for me? Perfection became a trauma response. Trauma is a real thing and I’ve found that learning to blind yourself from the truth as a trauma response is a real thing.

Now this isn’t about blaming everything I do on the trauma, yet I have to acknowledge the effects it has had on me and it’s an explanation for why this became the norm. Acknowledging and staying accountable is a key ingredient in aligning myself to myself and developing a greater relationship with myself and others.

It was crazy how I was legit walking around like my shit didn’t stink and never could!

I eventually got tired of my own shit LOL

LOL I can laugh about it now, and am also compassionate with that version of me because you really don’t know what you don’t know or in some cases, no matter how many times someone tries to tell you, if you aint ready you simply aint ready! I am a human that is committed to growth and learning more about herself so she can actually be a good person (also read as: flawed human with good intentions who now does her best to own when she is incorrect).

Before when people would bring to my attention the hurt that I caused them…it was very much a them problem! ESPECIALLY if I did not intentionally mean to hurt them! Whether it was something I did or said, how they felt, if it was not my intention for them to feel that way, was not my problem. Yea, ignorance is bliss…I guess!

But after a few too many fractured relationships that I actually cared to repair, some introspection and Growth; I was able to see where, although my intentions may not have been to cause a particular outcome, the space I was coming from, my delivery, my energy, etc., was 100% my responsibility and did contribute to said outcome.

Simply put, becoming aware of how I show up as my perfectly imperfect self, I had to own that when I am heated about something my delivery may be a tad hot to receive. If I’m pissed, it’s unlikely I’m going to give two fuggs about what is coming out of my mouth and how it’s heard. If I’m defensive I am most definitely not hearing what is being said and am most likely only thinking of a counterattack.

I had to recognise that my responsibility for myself means being accountable for how I show up.

I’m not always right, no matter how much I may want to be and that is ABSOLUTELY ok. Being incorrect can be a wonderful opportunity for growth in a relationship and within myself.

Connecting the dots of why we show up the way we do (i.e. what may be deeper than what we think it is) will give us a deeper layer of knowing about ourselves that we cannot get if we are committed to only being one way “always right”.

Accountability Time!

There came a time in my life where I had to choose to be accountable for my shit! Really get up close, in my face with myself, with and in my shit because ‘Groundhog Day’ wasn’t just a movie! It had become real life.

I was fed-up and tired yet I KNEW there was more to life than the bullshit I was experiencing.

Was this easy? NOPE! Was it fun? Not always.

Some of what I found was ugly! And my gawd, the SMELL was beyond pungent. Think gingivitis! LOL

Take this in context. There are things that are outside of our control. For what is within your control; it’s up to you to change.

But if you ask me if it has been worth it? I can wholeheartedly say YES, without a doubt!

For me who I was SHOWING UP AS, kept cropping up…and it wasn’t always pretty!

There is an incredible power that is birthed from taking accountability for who you are and the acceptance of how you came to be this way.

If you bought fish and they kept dying, you would question why, yes?

You would look at what you had been doing so that you could adjust it to course correct.

You would check the tank, the food, your cleaning schedule, etc., and make any necessary adjustments until you could successfully keep the fish alive, yes?

and if you got up with failing over and over, you may decide to seek additional support.

Accountability

Being accountable for yourself and your life is no different. To get to where you envision, you have to BE; knowing who you are and why you are this way (what made you?) will tell you why you’re where you are and allow you to make the necessary adjustments to get to where you want to be.

Accountability requires brutal honesty, which is a form of love, as tough as it may be.  

SDJS

If you were embarking on a major journey, would you expect a complete stranger to come find you and take you to where you want to go without any input from you at all? You need to know where you, so you can get to where you want to go.

Accountability for me is taking responsibility and/or accepting where/who you are today to navigate to who/where you want to be tomorrow (bit cheesy but it is what it is!). Yes, things have happened to us we had no control over. But today. Now. In this moment. We have a choice. 

What will you choose?

p.s. remember to also take stock of the beauty that you find! The goodness, the kindness, etc. Just don’t blind yourself to the other aspects of yourself as these will be just as empowering as the ‘good’.